Want To
by fake-intentions
Summary: Mac and Harm are in Sydney. Mac finally admits her feelings for Harm, but can Harm do the same? Or will his fears of the future be too much to handle? Rated M for Later
1. Chapter 1

"Not yet." Harm stated with a sense of finality. Not yet, Mac repeated to herself, Not yet. If not now, then when? When will Harm ever be ready for what I'm is willing to give him? I feel like I'm just wasting my time. Waiting for something that will never appear. A phanotm relationship.  
"Not yet." She stated outloud. She couldn't quite look him in the eye. She was afraid of the rejection held within them. "Harm, I can't wait forever. No, that's a lie. I can wait forever, but I won't. I refuse to continue living in this dream that I've created. This...fanatasy world. I deserve someone who will love me, who will want me." She was stareing off into the black of the water below the ferry.  
"Mac, I'm sorry." Harm began. "You're sorry? Me too Harm. I'm sorry I can't be what you want, what you crave." Turning,  
she ran into the safest place she could find. The womans bathroom. The bathroom was empty.  
The gleaming white of the sinks seemed to taunt her saying that even they had someone who cared enough to clean them. She began to cry, feeling lower then even those sinks. She had no one to care for her. Putting her hands to her forehead in shame, she sank to the floor.  
Outside the bathroom Harm stood bewildered. He had simply asked for some time. Hand't he?  
Why is Mac so upset? What did I do that was so wrong? How could two simple words cause so much pain to swirl in her eyes?  
It seemed to Harm as if hours had passed, when in fact it had been just short of fifteen minutes, when Mac emerged from the bathroom, her face stained with tears. "Mac, let me explain..." 


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Thanks for the reviews, I don't have much time to update, but I'll do what I can. My 3 month old keeps me pretty busy these days.

"You can explain?" Mac continued past him and began to disembark from the boat. "Harm, I don't want you to explain. You've done enough damage tonight."

Harm followed her off the boat. Wringing his hands together he tried to think of a good solution, but nothing was coming to him.  
All around him people were laughing and smiling at eachother. Holding hands, winning their girls stuffed animals, eating hotdogs and popcorn.  
But in his little bubble were two of the most unhappy people in the happiest of places. A Carnivle. 

"Please Mac. I really need to."

"I said no. When does this damn ferry leave again?"

"In 20 minutes"

"Fine, I'm going to get something to eat. Don't follow me." And with that Mac went off into the carnivle, leaving a devestated Harm in her wake.

For 20 minutes Harm sat at the dock waiting for her to return. He didn't know what he was going to do or say only that he had to do or say something.  
Anything was better then nothing. He was feeling miserable about what had happened on the ferry. He hadn't ment to hurt Mac...but to simply ask for more time. How could he start a relationship with her if he didn't know how he flet about her? He refused to lead her on. Would he be leading her on? Or did he care for her as much as he believed that he did? These were the questions that he had to work out for himself before he could accept the offer of a relationship. He didn't want to take her most precious gift away.

Just then Mac came strolling onto the dock with her arm linked aith a mans.  
A man who wasn't him. Jealousy covered him from head to toe. How could she ask him for a relationship not an hour before and now be connected with this man? It wasn't right damnit. And she was going to know it if it was the last thing he did.

"Hi Harm, this is Chase." She proceeded to flaunt the 6 foot 5 blond Austrialian.  
"Chase, this is Harm, we work together." Chase shook his hand. he has a firm grip, Harm thought. The mans hands were clamy as if he was meeting Mac's father on a first date.

"Nice to meet you."Chase was the first to break the slience. Harm was staring at him intensley. The look on his face seemed to say "Scram, she's mine." but Chase stood his ground.

"Mac, can I talk to you?" Harm asked.

"Why sure, I'll be right back." she said sweetly, winking at Chase.

Harms stomach churned. He choked on the words that he wanted to say. They all came up at once and none were able to get out. All but the ones he really meant to say anyway.  
"What do you think you're doing?" he demanded.

"What ever do you mean?" she blinked with mock suprise.

He grabbed her by the shoulders and shook her a little. "What's wrong with you? You say you want a relationship with me and then you bring that...that...thing into you r life. Not only that, but you bring him over to flaunt at me. It's like saying "Ha Harm, looks like you missed the boat this time." He dropped his hands." I only asked for more time." looking her in the eyes he put his hand on her cheek. She turned her face into his hand. One single tear fell onto Harms hand.

"I've already given you years." and with that she steped back from him. "Goodbye Harm."

Harm watched her walk away. His heart twisted and turned for her. It bled for her. For what could have been. He watched her link arms with Chase again. While walking up the ramp to get onto the ferry she spared Harm a glance. He could see the saddness on her face.  
He knew in that moment that he loved her more then he could ever love a single being. 


	3. Chapter 3

A/N I dont own the characters, just the story I am writing.

Days went by and Mac still wasn't speaking to Harm on any personal terms. Everything was all about the case at hand. Harm didn't know quite what to do. He really liked Mac.  
loved her even, but how could he do anything about it when she wouldn't even talk to him? When he'd already ruined any chance he had with her? They'd been waiting for years and he'd blown it for them both. But could he relly just blame himself?  
He'd asked for more time...she should have given it to her, shouldn't she?To think that she would give up so easily on them.  
To think that she could forget so quickly.

Harm was angrier then he'd ever been before. Mac was shutting him out. Him. Harmon Rabb. Her partner and confidant...and he was powerless to stop it. He'd never been so hurt in his life. No,  
that's not true. When Diane died he was devestated, he had to admit. But that was different. Loseing Diane hurt, and if he was honest, it still hurt. When he was with Mac he didn't think about it. He could just be happy. Diane had been special to him, and he'd loved her but he'd loved no one like Mac.

Suddenly it occured to him why he couldn't be with Mac before now.  
He couldn't believe that he hadn't thought about it before. It all had to do with Diane. How could he have been so...blind. To let a...a.  
ghost be in the way of finding true happiness was ludicress. But, at the same tie it wasn't.

Did he really think that being with Mac would somehow cheapen what he had had with Diane? He had told her he'd love her forever and here he was loving Mac. But not olny did he love Mac, but he loved her more then he ever imagined he could love another human being. What he had felt for Diane pales in comparison to how he feels for Mac and he felt terrible about that. Had it really been the main reason why he'd been steering clear of a relationship between them for all these years? He felt like he would be hurting Diane some how. But really, it was her memory that had been hurting him. Yes, he had loved Diane, and he still does,  
but she's gone. If he always spends his life in fear of the judgement of loving someone else then he'd never be happy.

He had to let go. He would let go. He needed to do it for himself, but most of all, for Mac. Hedidn't want to...no, he refused to, go on hurting her. She waited long enough for him, he got that now. If he had to wait until the day he died for Mac to forgive him, to love him openly, he would. But,  
if he could maybe...speed up the process.

Mac was who he wanted...and Mac was who he intended to get.

A/N I hope you liked it...the next one will be up soon. It wasn't really the direction I was intending to go...but it's a better one. 


	4. Chapter 4

Mac sat with her head on her computer desk. When she was alone she could let her tears fall freely. And so, freely they fell. After everything that had happened between her and Harm, this is how it was to end. Wasn't it? She had told him that it is what she wanted.  
But really, she just wanted him to realize that she couldn't wait for him any longer. She loved him with all her heart. She'd loved him for years. There was so much between them. How could he not see? But then again, maybe she was just imagining it. Maybe it was all one sided.  
She sighed. It was hard to admit but how could he love her and ask for more time? How could she love him and not be able to accept that he needs more time? The fact of the matter is that she's waitied for years. In those years she has loved, admired, and befriended harm. More then just befriended him really. They had become best friends. What kind of friend was she? Acting the way she did the other night. A Spiteful one ar most. No, she didn't want to wait any longer for Harm, but under the circumstances what choice did she have?

/-/-\ /\/\

Harm sat on the bed in his hotel suite. He had been wracking his brain for almost a week on how to get Mac to forgive him. So far he was unable to come up with anything actually feasable. He had thought that he would borrow one of the Australian Navy's jets and show her how he sees the world. He couldn't see the Australian Navy lending him one of their planes. Then he had thought that he would simply bring her somewhere nice for dinner, maybe somewhere that sold authentic Australian food. Then he would take her for a drive, in a car that he would rent, to show her the Australian country side. It occured to him that Mac was too angry to just go where ever he wanted her to go and, lets face it, he knew nothing about the AUstralian country side. There was a knock on his door. Harm got up to answer it. He was supprised when he opened the door to Bud.  
"Hey Harm." Bud entered the room when Harm stood back to let him in.  
"Hey, what's up?" Bud rubber his head sheepishly. "Well...ah"  
"Yes Bud"  
"Um"  
"Spit it out Bud." Harm growled.  
"Are you alright Harm?" Bud inquired. He had noticed the tension between Harm and Mac. ANyone within a hundred miles would have noticed.  
Harm sighed and ran his hand through his hair. He sat on the ugly green and yellow stripped couch that was in his room and put his head in his hands.  
"I don't know Bud. I really don't." Harm told Bud all about the other night. How He had told Mac that He needed more time and how Mac couldn't accept that. "So you see Bud," He finished, "I have to find a way to make it up to her"  
"Well Commander, I think I might have a good solution"  
"You do?" Harm choked out. He slowly took his hands away from his face. His eyes were a little red and if you looked really close, like Bud often did, you could see the corners of his eyes were a little damp. It looked as if he had been crying. Buds heart went out to Harm. Harm was looking at him, patiently waiting for him to continue. He was saving this for Harriet...but...desperate times call of desperate measures. 


	5. Chapter 5

A?N The chapter holds the song want to by sugerland. Im sorry its taken me a little over a month to post. My son was sick and I myself have been sick. But, to make up, I posted 2 chapters today and i hope you enjoy them.

Harm sat on his couch. He couldn't believe it. It was perfect. Mac wouldn't be able to resist. Or at least, He wouldn't let her resist. Mac was going to have her socks knocked off, so to speak. He got off from his couch and was filled with a new hope. Walking over to Bud he had to confidence of a man who knew what he wanted and exactly how to get it.  
Engulfing Bud in a bear sized hug he said "Thank-you. You have no idea how much this means to me." As soon as Bud left he got down to buisness. His first call was to his new client. The second to a florest, the third to Harriet, the fourth to a rental company. If he was going to strike out with Mac he was going to strike out in style. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Not two hours later Harm was picking up his car at the rental company. He knew it was only a 98' Neon, and it was very pretty, but it would get him from point A to point B. He took out his cell phone and dialed Harriets number.  
"Are we all set? He paused while waiting for and answer on the other line.  
"Good, good. Alright, be there at 9 alright?" "Perfect." Hanging up he turned right. He was almost to his clients house. It was already 6, he had to work fast, or he'd be the one who was late. -:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

"Where are we going?" "I thought we'd have a nice girls night out. I've noticed you've been a bit down lately...so...yeah." Harriet crossed her fingers behind her back. She hated lying to her best friend, but, it was better the the alternative. She hated seeing Mac and Harm so upset. So, along with Bud, she intended to do what she could to fix it. Mac looked at Harriet. She had no reason to distrust what Harriet was doing, but somewhere in the abck of her mind and alarm bell was going off. "You didn't really answer my question Harriet." Mac sighed.  
"Mac," Harriet began.  
"I know, I know. It's a secret." Macs heel caught in one of the cracks between the wood on the warf. They were walking towards a boat, she thought. Where else could they be walking to? There's nothing but a boat and water. Harriet didn't seem to be the boating type. The distrust deepened. What was she up to?  
At the end of the warf Harriet stopped. "well, we're here." She announced, as if Mac hadn't figured that out for herself already.  
"Why don't you get on the boat and I'll cast off"  
"Um, are you sure?" "Yep." Harriet waited until Mac was safely on board to untie the boat. The plan was to wait thirty seconds had passed since Mac had gone aboard then to untie the rope that held the boat safely at the side of the dock. Then thirty seconds after she untied it the boat revved to a start. There was a look of suprise on Macs face. If she wasn't driving the boat, and Harriet was still on the dock...then who was driving?  
She looked at Harriet, who was waving goodbye. Suddenly there was music playing around her.

Want To (Jennifer Nettles/Kristian Bush)

I packed your cooler and a change of clothes Let's jump and see how far it goes You got my heart and your daddy's boat We got all night to make it float

We could sit on the shore We could just be friends We could jump in

Whole world could change in a minute Just one kiss could stop it spinnin'  
We could think it through But I don't want to if you don't want to Or we could keep things just the same Leave here the way we came With nothin' to lose But I don't want to if you don't want to

I got your ring around my neck And a couple of nights I don't regret You got a dream of a degree And a shirt that smells like me

Yeah, we both got dreams We could chase alone Or we could make our own

The whole world could change in a minute Just one kiss could stop it spinnin'  
We could think it through But I don't want to if you don't want to Or we could keep things just the same Leave here the way we came With nothin' to lose But I don't want to if you don't want to

Never waste another day Wonderin' what you threw away Holdin' me, holdin' you I don't want to if you don't want to

Or we could keep things just the same Leave here the way we came With nothin' to lose But I don't want to if you don't want to But I want to And I want you

-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-:-

Half way through the song, when they were far enough from the general population Harm turned the boat off and made his way above deck. He stood, unnoticed for the time being, and simply watched Mac. She was so beautiful. His heart melted every time he looked at her. She stood at ease and looked around here. So many flowers. Hundreds of them, maybe more. Beautiful bold shades of blues, reds, yellows and purples. There was a blanket spread out on the deck with a basket next to it with what she could only assume to be food inside. A bottle of wine was chilling beside it. And that song...there was something about that song. She strained to make out the lyrics. Her back went straight. Someone was watching. 


	6. Chapter 6

"Just listen," he said

Whole world could change in a minute Just one kiss could stop it spinnin'  
We could think it through But I don't want to if you don't want to Or we could keep things just the same Leave here the way we came With nothin' to lose But I don't want to if you don't want to

Mac stood and listened to the music that was playing. Just one kiss she thought. They've had that kiss time and time again. Nothing has changed yet. Leave here the way we came? How could she do that? She would still be hopelessly, misserably in love with him. Then again, she wanted to stay in love with him. A world without loving Harm was no world at all, was it? Of coarse it was, just not one she wanted to figure out. The song was wrong. If she left, she had everything to lose. If she surcame to her hurt, her anger, she would lose. She would lose the love of a man who she had been dreaming about for years. Wait a minute. Stop right there. He doesnt love her, he hasn't told her that he does. It was all just wishful thinking on her part. But...if there was even a small chance that he did...well.  
If he didn't love her, if he didn't want to be with her, then why would he go to so much trouble for her? There were so many flowers. They much have cost a small fortune. One, she was sure, Harm didn't have. Maybe he was just trying to apologize for the other night. But then, wasn't she the one that should be doing that? She had been cruel, spiteful, and frankly a bitch.

I got your ring around my neck And a couple of nights I don't regret You got a dream of a degree And a shirt that smells like me

I got your ring around my neck, she thought. Well, that didn't fit. But, they definatley had quite a few nights that they wouldn't regret. They also had quite a few that they would...like the other night.  
You got a dream of a degree? I guess you could say that. For years she has seen herself married to Harm in her deepest dreams. They would have four children, a Newfoundland dog, a big house on a hill over looking the sea. Yes, that was her dream. She wanted to wake up beside him every morning. Make lunchs for their kids as she sent them off to school, go to work knowing that she had her family waiting for her. She sighed. If only, she thought. Mac laughed inwardly. A shirt that smells like me? He couldn't have known that she stole one of his shirts when they were off on assignment out in the Atlantic. If he knew that then he also knew she slept with it every night. It was beginning to lose his sent. Maybe she could manage to thief another one...

Yeah, we both got dreams We could chase alone Or we could make our own

Yeah, we do both have dreams. Mine is a family and a yard full of kids. And his is...well, his is a life a sea flying fighter planes. How was she suppose to chase hers alone when it took two people to create? It was easy enough for Harm. It only took him and a plane to achieve his dream. She continued to listen as the song came to an end. She didn't want to turn around and face him. She wouldn't turn around a face him. She had too much pride. Wasn't pride what got her into this place to begin with? How could she, even now, be swallowed by her pride? Well, it was her turn to do the swallowing. 


End file.
